This morning I woke up in a cold sweat screaming again. This time however, my night-terror didn’t involve any gay celebrities or nightmare-gremlins. It was much scarier than that. I had a dream that I was a blogger. Then I realized that I am a blogger! YIKES. A blogger that hasn’t blogged on his blog in a blog’s age. How terrifyingly embarrassing!
Right now there are blogless children in Africa forced to blog about celebrity gossip and LOST theories using pens and paper while I have a perfectly good online-diary that I don’t use.
Dear Red Cross, Please send more blogs.
Whatever. They wouldn’t know what to do with a blog if they had one. A child with a blogspot is like a dog with a chainsaw. Or a cat with a gun.
I can’t remember the exact saying, but you get the point: Pictures of cats with guns are cute and hilarious!
Unless you’re a confused, teenage boy. Then they are apparently terrifying and sexual. Case in point:
I almost considered not online-diarying about this since it has nothing to do with Hilarious Baby News or Retarded Tigers, but then I realized that this blog is apparently just about Scary Sex Toys now.
Sorry, mom. Your son is a blogger who blogs about sex toys. It’s not your fault though. I blame public schooling and rap music.
Anyways. I don’t know if this counts as a “toy” since toys should be fun and not painful, but I’ll let you be the judge of that. Except for you , mom. You should never, ever read this web-log. Please delete this site from your e-bookmarks. Actually you should probably delete all of the internets from your bookmarks, because they are scary places filled with scary people.
I usually don’t announce NSFW warnings because frankly the issue isn’t that this blog is Not Safe For Work. If anything it is Too Sexy For Work (TSFW, coined it). As the title to this online-diary entry suggests, I’m about to take you to some very sexy, very frightening places. This blog is an erotic journey and I am your guide. And we’re never going to make any sexual progress if you keep having to switch over to an Excel spreadsheet every time your boss walks by your desk.
Just tuck yourself back into your pants and wait until you get home. This blog will still be here later tonight. I promise.
Well this obviously doesn’t tell us anything we didn’t already know. Performing magic is the fastest way to unlocking the gates to a woman’s Pleasure Kingdom. PERIOD. Well, that and blogging.
Favorite lines:
Woman: How do I know you’re not some sort of weirdo?
Weirdo: I’m not a weirdo.
You’re just going to have to trust him on that one, lady! Be careful though. I knew a girl that trusted a magician once. Want to know what happened to her?
I realize that this is probably a little late, and most of you have already forgotten about Christmas and have returned to the crushing sadness of your wretched lives, but whatever, that’s your problem NOT MINE. You see, Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. It’s that magical time of the year when we gather around with our loved ones and wait for our Jewish War-Lord, Jesus Christmas, to emerge from his cave and find out whether or not he sees his shadow. Unfortunately, according to the LIBERAL MEDIA, he did, which means we can expect another 2,000 years of war, disease, and human suffering. Whoops! Religion is nuts!
Human misery? LMAO
Unfortunately, Christmas 2008 was probably the last one any of us will ever experience. You see, I am not only a professional Blog-Master, but a fully licensed PROPHET. I have gazed into the future and what I’ve seen has shaken me to my very core. Like you, I’ve been deeply concerned about the WAR that has been waged against Christmas by Gays, Liberals, and Satanists. While we were focusing all of our powerful Christ-Magic against these evil-doers, we managed to ignore who was ultimately the most dangerous threat to Christmas:
As head blog-master at LastNightSomeBabyNewsHappenedSoTodayIBloggedAboutIt.blogspot.com, it is my job to bring you the latest in Hilarious Baby News, and so I apologize for letting news of this first pregnancy slip by me (Get it? Babies are really slippery when they’re born. It’s called a pun and I am the king of them).
a disembodied androgynous robotic head [who] can automatically copy [facial] movements, which are picked up by a video camera and mapped on to the tiny electronic motors in his skin.
Great job, Science. You’ve really knocked the WTF ball out of the nightmare park with this one.
Terrifying video of this robot-madness in action after the jump…
Since I spend most of my day trapped in a labyrinthine nightmare of hyperlinks and BODY BUILDING FORUMS, I sometimes forget how What The Fuuuuck, the real world can be.
It’s 1863 and Union soldiers have discovered a hidden valley filled with dinosaurs. Now the Yankees plan to use the dinos as weapons of mass destruction against the South.
Hopefully Osama bin Laden never gets his hands on this terrifying Dino-Terror-Technology, because I don’t think any of us are prepared for something like this:
Doctors say the birth anomaly could have been caused by either genetics or environmental pollution
Great job, doctors. That is why we pay you so much money. Because you can really provide the answers to this world’s most puzzling questions. Except when you don’t at all.
Now I might not be a doctor, but I am a fully-licensed online-diaryist, so perhaps I can explain this horrifying monster of a baby-accident:
